Take me to the Moon

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20 ridiculous complaints made by holidaymakers

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

Fonte: Telegraph.co.uk
Fotografias da viagem a São Tomé 2009 e África 2006

A cidade capital

Não, não é Nova Iorque, apesar da confusão do trânsito e dos táxis amarelos. É, como dizem os santomenses, a cidade capital; uma aldeia grande que se espreguiça à volta da baía de Ana Chaves. E o verbo é mesmo este, "espreguiçar", que aqui o ritmo é o leve-leve imposto pelo calor húmido que faz com que a África se nos cole à pele.
No mercado, cheio de gentes, cores e cheiros, as vendedoras sentam-se no chão, junto aos montinhos de frutos ou legumes, e chamam: "Branca! Papaia? !, "Amiga" Banana? Manga?" Os miúdos estendem a mão, rolam os "erres" num "Érrros, branca!"

Cá fora os velhos táxis enchem-se de pessoas, sacos e galinhas e partem para Água Porca, Traz da Cadeia ou Oquê del Rei, deixando atrás de si uma nuvem de fumo escuro e espesso. Os moto-táxi serpenteiam por entre peões, buracos, carros e cães, buzinam, procuram clientes para uma visita ao museu do forte ou para o bairro popular do Riboque.

No Estúdio de Gravação escolhem-se as canções para um CD de música local, gravado na hora; procura-se a sombra de uma árvore para uns momentos de descanso.
Quando o sol se põe, pelas 18h, a cidade mergulha no sossego e na escuridão. A menos que seja sábado quando o suor e a música se misturam com a noite e os DJs impõem os ritmos do kandance e kizomba que invadem o corpo até à exaustão.

As cores de São Tomé

Um ponto verde a flutuar no azul do Atlântico, é isto São Tomé.
E o caos amarelo dos táxis que se amontoam junto ao mercado, o vermelho irreal das rosas de procelana, os verdes sombrios das florestas envolvidas em bruma, o arco-íris das roupas estendidas sobre as pedras negras dos rios, o castanho do "melhor chocolate do mundo", o branco refrescante de uma cascata, o laranja de um por-do-sol, os verdes exuberantes que escorregam até às praias de areias claras e águas turquesa. E o branco doce de um sorriso.

Viajante ou turista?

A traveler ...

• carries a towel.

  
• needs a reading light because they read books.
• leaves with one bag and returns with one bag, and does not send one home.

  
• knows the name of 3 cheap guidebooks.

• uses the internet daily. 

• ask what day it is, and a tourist wants to know the time.
  
• does not have a mobile phone, a tourist does.

• does not iron their clothes.

• walks slow a tourist walks fast.
• will bring in U.S. dollars because they know the world uses dollars.

• knows how to say hello in many languages.

• normally travels and an independent or solo traveler.
• slept with bedbugs on more than one occasion!
• changes routes, itineraries, schedules and wanders the planet.

• never stays in one location more than three months.

• calculates the distance in terms of time, normally calculates by bus travel time.

• knows that to go everywhere on the planet he cannot avoid getting dirty.
• does not know when they are going home.

• know the best way to do laundry is to do one to three pieces in the shower daily.

A tourist...

• does not carry a towel, they expect one to be in the Hotel.
• does not need a reading light, because they sightsee continuously.
• leaves with one bag and returns with many, and even ships one home.
• will have the bellman carry the bags, and the taxi waiting at the door.
• buys a round trip ticket.
• buys an around the world plane ticket.
• pays with a credit card or buys travelers checks in their home country.
• wants to rent a car.
• has an itinerary.
• pays what the taxi driver tell him or her, did not negotiate.

And you? Are you a traveler or a tourist?
(Hobo Traveler)

Lar, doce lar

Regresso a casa mesmo a tempo de uma sardinhada de Santo António.

O adeus à Ilha chocolate

Últimas horas na ilha, uma noite que vai ser curta e o regresso a Lisboa onde aterraremos amanhã de manhãzinha. Adêsu ê São Tomé.

Rumo ao norte?

Ver o sol nascer da varanda da Casa Amarela e partir talvez o norte com as suas praias e uma santola nas Neves.